Letter To Santa Claus

Dear Santa Claus,

I don't want anything new for Christmas; I just want to stop losing what I already have. Some Favourite Things are disappearing: books in print, clock radios, landline phones, pay-phones, lawns, paper money, folding maps, greeting cards, stamps ... (and the whole Post Office ...)

Instead of hanging a stocking for you to fill I have left a stocking full of things for you to take away: shopping "membership" cards, cellphones, Global Positioning System, CCTV camera, fit-bit monitors, Kindle readers, plastic packaging, cat-leash, meat, and "apps".

Thanks, Santa -- just close the chimney when you leave. 

Joy to the World

 Joy To The Sane World

S. B. Julian

- Good Morning, Class! (bright voice) I'm Mary from Mental Health Militia's Christmas Crisis Centre, and your teacher Ms Shepherd has invited me to talk to you about the stress we're all under at this time of year. I call it “the Curse of Christmas”. We carry heavy burdens during the Holiday Season. Right? (silence) You need to get over the stigma of talking about it, Class. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Christmas is all about depression, anxiety and family conflict. (silence) So who wants to start? How about the girl in the middle there? You look sad.

-- I'm sad we're missing English, it's my favourite class.

-- English?

-- Yeah, you know, novels and poems and stuff. “Grammar and Literacy” the English Head calls it.

-- Well that's all fine but you need addiction-literacy, anxiety-literacy, bullying-and-exclusion-literacy ... the things that matter in life.

-- Oh. Could I go to the washroom please? (she leaves)

-- Who else would like to contribute? How about you at the back? Are you sitting apart because you feel excluded?

-- No.

-- Denial is a burden. You can safely unpack your misery here.  I'll give you the Christmas Crisis Line phone number so you can call in later. Make a note of this everyone: it's 01 - 888 -

-- Mary? (a student raises her hand) I need to leave for an appointment.

-- Really? Where? What could be more important than mental illness, depression, anxiety, mood swings, ADHD, addiction ...

-- 'scuse me Mary, but I don't have those things.

-- Of course you do. It's Christmas.

-- (another student speaks) Right. It's Christmas, so we must be suicidal.

-- Suicide is no joke, Class.

-- Actually I wasn't depressed until you arrived. (class laughs)

-- Is it the advertising? The commercialization? The burden on the poor?

-- No, it's you.

-- (another student chimes in) I love Christmas.

-- You think you do, but it's a well-known source of misery, loneliness, unpaid bills, over-eating...

-- Actually, for me it's the source of a decorated tree with a beautiful smell and colourfully-wrapped presents under it, and carol singing, and boxes of chocolate and home-made eggnog, and visits from grandparents who love me.

-- Let's unpack what those things really mean. For instance, when you say “carols” do you mean music which foists colonialist sentiments onto downtrodden races with other traditions?

-- No.

-- Because we all know that Christmas is merely a colonialist construct imposed on indigenous people who had never heard of it at the time of settler contact. We at Christmas Crisis Hotline help them deal with the trauma. There, you in the front row, you look indigenous. At least I hope you are, or that eagle feather and the First Nations T-shirt you're wearing would be pretty major cultural appropriations! (she laughs) So ... yes you are indigenous? And how is your family coping with the trauma of Christmas?

-- Umm ...

-- It's okay, you can speak, you're safe here. Have you got siblings at home?

-- Yeah. Tons.

-- And parents?

-- Mom. And sort of ... step-fathers.

-- And how does Mom cope with the trauma of Christmas?

-- Beer. (laughter from the class)

-- (Mary sighs) Poor woman. Driven to it. What does she think would help?

-- If the Food Bank carried it. (laughter)

-- Now class, let's not make fun of identifiable groups.

-- (student raises hand) Mary: we're not laughing at identifiable groups, we're laughing at you.

-- (flustered) Well that's a bit ... (pause) I mean, thank you for your honesty ... er ...

-- (another student raises her hand) Mary: I collect eagle feathers. They float to the ground at my grandparents' farm. They're everywhere. Why is liking eagle feathers cultural appropriation?

-- Umm ... Let's stay on topic, okay? The “Holiday Season”. Ask yourself what you need a holiday from. If it's the “Festive Season”, ask yourself why you don't feel festive.

-- (student raises his hand) I do feel festive.

-- No. Actually, you're suffering from the stress of pretending to like something which is exhausting, expensive, lonely, trans-phobic and competitive, when you have to buy presents for co-workers you hate, (voice rises) and you can't find a parking space, and it's freezing cold out and dark at 4:30 and you lose your gloves and those Salvation Army bells are driving you mad ... 

(Class is silent. A student rushes out, upset.)

-- Mary? (says another) Sorry for your troubles.

-- Well, it's not my troubles, it's society's. Now: let's form a circle and take turns revealing how Christmas triggers suicidal feelings. Put your smartphones away please. Now: the boy on my right, we'll start with you. What triggers your negative feelings?

-- Putting my smartphone away. (laughter from the class)

-- And what part of Christmas makes you smartphone-dependent?

-- (girl raises hand) Mary, I'll be major-triggered if I don't find a new smartphone in the toe of my stocking on Christmas morning. (other students cheer in agreement)

-- Yeah, and then she can like phone the Christmas Crisis Line when her sister steals all the cashews out of Santa's nut bowl. (laughter. Ms Shepherd the teacher calls for order.)

-- Well, there's a thought: food inequity. It's an aspect of worldwide injustice, and climate change only increases it ...

-- (sarcastically) And Christmas causes climate change.

-- Or what if Christmas solved it? What'd'ya think Mary? Like, what if we all drove flying Santa-sleighs instead of vehicles that run on fossil fuels?

-- Yeah! What if Amazon delivered parcels that way? Way cool eh!

-- (another girl replies) But if they were pulled by reindeer that would be animal exploitation.

-- Hey, Mary! Can I read my poem? It has rhymes for the name of each of the eight reindeer.

-- Not now Dear, that sounds rather frivolous for the Least Wonderful Time of the Year. Let's consider the pathology behind gift-giving.

-- Mary, why is your name Mary? It seems so old-fashioned.

-- Because I'm named after, you know ... Mary.

-- Oh. That must be traumatic if you hate the nativity season.

-- Mary, why is it that every nativity scene shows Joseph standing up? You never see him sitting on a bale of hay or anything.

-- (another student replies) Maybe he was a comedian. Like -- in “stand-up” -- get it? (laughter)

-- Yeah ... we get it. So is that why the best comics are Jewish? According to my Dad they are, anyway.

-- Does that mean he's racist? Hey Mary – her Dad's a racist!

-- Settle down, Class. What's your name, Dear?

-- Estuaria.

-- Ah. So you're named for a place where rivers of mental illness flow into seas of toxic Christmas expectations that mental health experts have proven are ... but wait, where are you going, Estuaria? Class: if you have trouble acknowledging repressed Christmas-misery you can be tested for mental illness for free. This is our prime misery-season, worse than summer holidays, back-to-school week, Halloween and Valentine's Day all rolled into one. This is when you need to guard against expectations of joy and examine cultural assumptions. The Christmas Crisis Centre can put you in touch with a therapist who ... (a man walks in, interrupting)

-- (The teacher, Ms Shepherd speaks up) Oh! Here is our principal: Mr. Barnes. Hello Mr. Barnes, we are discussing the emotional pitfalls of Christmas ...

-- Ms Shepherd, why has a stream of students from your class turned up weeping in my office?

                                         ******************

(This story first appeared in Short Humour Magazine: http://www.short-humour.org.uk )

The Night Before Virtual Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas …

In each bedroom and hall
the seniors were stirring, insomniacs all,
support hose was hung by the chimneys with care,
it helps folk a lot as they walk here and there
The grandkids were somewhere else, thank heaven,

dreaming (or streaming) from midnight 'til seven

Then out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
What to my short-sighted eyes should appear
but a miniature E-sleigh with battery-gear
The mechanical driver was shiny and slick,

I knew it too robotic to be St. Nick

More rapid than email with cursors it came
it called those who pulled the sleigh by name:
“Now Flasher, now Hacker,
now Zoom and Delete!
On, Android and Google!
On, Podcast and Tweet!
On to the porch and the top of the wall,

now flash away, blink away, bleep away all!”

So up to the rooftop the cursors they flew
with an E-sleigh of gadgets and the Robot too,
then as from the window I dizzily turned
it slid down the chimney, I quickly learned,
as a blinking metallic apparition --

and I blinked back, full of suspicion

A bundle of toys it began to unpack
like an Amazon delivery man with a sack
It filled the stockings that hung by the fire
and piled chocolate treats beyond all desire

Its lights how they twinkled, its buzzers were buzzy,
I think it spoke, but my memory's fuzzy
Then laying a finger on its A.I. nose

giving one more blink, up the chimney it rose

It sprang to the E-sleigh and quickly rebooted,
while a lively Help Function digitally hooted
as they flew to the stars and out of sight:

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

"Surviving" Christmas

    'Tis the season when magazines publish articles on how to "survive". At Christmas you won't, say the articles, come upon any midnights clear, you'll stumble into pitfalls social, emotional, financial, and political. Unfortunately the magazines seem to be right. To save your sanity, they recommend, make lists of guests and gifts. Make a to-buy list, to-bake list, political-topics-to-avoid list.

    At gatherings so many matters are triggering that you need a "Taboo Topics List". And you'd best check it twice. The taboo topics used to be sex, politics and religion; now they're identity, cultural appropriation and anything described as "systemic". As for variant behaviours, they're best ignored, like those of the cousin with so many allergies she's allergic to her own allergies and will claim to be allergic to your live fir tree. 

    Then there are acquaintances who refuse to call Christmas "Christmas", and only recognize a seasonal indigenous-inclusive non-binary non-colonial anti-privilege diversity-fest (not on any account a Mass for the birth of Christ).

    Then there's the guest who brings variant meat -- peppered grasshopper and fried slugs -- for the potluck. And the one who brings tattooed friends of variant gender who you can't greet because you fear to get their pronouns wrong. Some genders seem to change during the party itself.

    There are students who show up after their last university class in variant subjects you've never heard of, like Queering the Undead, and Acquiring Expert Venture Cognitions, and Critical Skills for Online Identity Management. 

    Why?? you ask.

    "They're pre-requisites for The Zombie in Woke Culture." 

    "I thought the whole point of Zombies was to be un-woke?" 

    "You mean un-AWAKE" 

    Quite.

    "These courses go toward a PhD in Fashion and Body Modification." 

    "Oh. Of course university teaching's so different now."

    "We don't have 'teaching', we have Culturally Sustaining Pedagogy."

    "Huh. And do you have jobs in the end?"

    "I have one already, as Exit Manager for Spaces Shoplifters and Non-vaccinated People Sneak Into."

    Ah. A bouncer. I almost wished I had one at my Christmas potluck. I guess one could bounce everyone out by saying someone had just "tested positive" for a variant of concern (concerning what, one needn't specify). That would clear the room. Except of course for the COVID-deniers. 

    Does the University teach a course in How To Be a Successful Hermit?

.

Santa Clause's Retirement Letter

(From  Short Humour Magazine:    http://www.shorthumour.org.uk/10writersshowcase/santa.htm )

Dear World,

Boy, have things ever changed in the toy-delivery field since I started my career. Remember when people wrote letters to Santa? You didn't expect to get one from me, but here goes ... I need to give you notice of my imminent retirement. I used to deliver a sleigh-full of dolls, teddy bears, train sets, roller skates and pencil sets on every magical Christmas Eve. (Pencils! Can you imagine?) But no more. Gifts have gone electronic. It's all game-boxes now, and fit-bits, gift cards and peculiar little digital devices that fall to the floor and get lost at the bottom of the sleigh.

I used to be able to park right beside the chimney I would be slipping down. Now there are few chimneys left, only “smart heating” and roofs cluttered with solar panels. Last year, one sported a poster saying “REINDEER SLEIGHS EXPLOIT UNGULATES”.

Some houses even have notes on theirs roofs warning “mask is mandatory”. A mask, over a beard like mine?! No one needs a mask if they're already muffled by a deep thicket of white facial hair.

I used to find thoughtful treats like cookies and warm milk waiting for me beside people's hearths, but now everything they leave is stuff I'm scared to eat, like Guatemalan Keto Shark-free Spice Balls, and Dirty-Snowman Vegan Nut-free Kumquat Squares. And whatever happened to a nice cup of tea? Now I find a note advising me there's a Pomegranate Gingerbread Iced Latte in the fridge, or a Jagermeister-Curcumin Espresso Shot in the microwave.

And no one's decently in bed taking their long winter nap while I lurk in their living rooms; they're all hunkered down with smartphones and laptops. I see the light from their digital devices glowing at windows and under doors. Even the kids aren't asleep, dreaming about what might be in their stockings while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads. They're texting their friends from under the covers.

No: Christmas Eve isn't what it was when I started out, apprenticed to Great-grandfather Claus. Nor is the elf staff! Not one knows how to wield a hammer and nail. The North Pole is all immigrants and refugees now and many don't speak English. Some elves are illiterate and can't even write the lists I need, so I can't check them twice. Luckily every kid wants the same thing anyway: digital stuff. High-tech robotic amazon wares. I might as well retire, I'm beginning to feel, and be replaced by a drone. I'm just not as jolly as I used to be. I guess drones do go further and move faster than anything a bunch of reindeer would pull. They're much more efficient ... So, Tallyho-ho-ho, drones!

Still, I can't help thinking something magical is being lost.

Yours truly,

Old Man in a Red Suit

Santa's Workshop is Hiring Seasonal Helpers

HELP WANTED

Santa's Workshop Is Hiring!

Seeking experienced reliable elves for the busy season

Must be available for weekends and overtime

Skilled craftsmen only need apply (this position is not about

building bits of carpentry and painting wood)

Certificates in Electronic Toy-Making, 3-D Printing,

Advanced Digital Design and Robotics are mandatory

(Applications from Robots also considered: we guarantee

equal-opportunity for the artificially intelligent)

HazMat, SafeShop and Group-Thought certification is mandatory

Steel-belled work-boots and tassel-topped helmets are required in the shop

Our workplace encourages neuro-diverse two-spirit applicants

We guarantee non-misgendering allyship with the elven BIPOC community

Dr. Seuss Invents Christmas-Cancel Genre

Christmas Cancelled, 2020

    Dr. Seuss said it would happen, and he was right. It did, although everyone else had thought stealing Christmas was just a horror plot from a kids' book. 

    Dr. Seuss invented Christmas-Cancel lit, featuring as his main protagonist Cancel-Cultural hero The Grinch. Dr. Bonnie-Lou Who saved the day however, by leading the people of What-the-Heck-Happened-Ville in quiet renditions of “Be Safe, Be Calm, Be Kind”. 

    Everyone is encouraged to mask up and stand around a huge tall tree to sing it on Christmas Day. Just don't hold hands.