Muses File Civil Rights Complaint Against Museum

The nine classical Muses have accused the Royal British Columbia Museum of racist discrimination against their heritage and culture. “As our home (“seat of the Muses”), the Museum should be sheltering, not throwing us to the ideological wolves”, says Calliope, Chief of the Muses.

In a document crafted by Melpomene (Muse of Tragedy), Thalia (Muse of Comedy) and Polyhymnia (Muse of Rhetoric), the Muses charge that they have been victims of hate speech and ethnic cleansing.

“Clio, Muse of History, is a particular target of hate speech, not only by those who wish to eradicate her along with her mother Mnemosyne (Memory) and who have already claimed that “History Is Dead”, but also by those who charge that “History is a whore”.

“Clio is anybody's,” say these detractors, “she will change her game to suit the requirements of whatever client is most ideologically pushy.”

Clio's enemies have tried to “disappear” her, but she keeps turning up again. “History is what it was,” she assures her supporters. She leaves a trail of documents, letters, songs, memoirs, statues, gravestones, globes and charts so that scholarly detectives have so far been able to trace her, often as secret agents working under cover.

The Muses, filing their complaint with the adjudicating body, have documented rights abuses “by chapter and verse”, says Euterpe, Muse of Verse.

“We will not let the adjudicators dance around the issues,” vows Terpsichore, Muse of Dance.

"We must mutually sing our own praises," point out Erato and Melpomene, Muses of Song, Poetry and Speech.

The Muses' offspring -- lyre-playing Orpheus and the Sirens -- will mark the launch of their Nonhuman Rights Complaint with a celebratory performance at Olympus Park. The human race is invited to attend.

"Have a Good Day"

"Have a good day" we say to one another -- so here's a list of good days to have:

January 18th -- Winnie the Pooh Day -- a day to celebrate one of the most important characters in literature. Don't let anyone take this day away from you, don't lose it like wise sardonic Eeyore who lost something important ("Someone must have taken it -- how like them.")

January 25th -- Robert Burns Day -- Get the bagpipes out

January 27th -- Family Literacy Day -- Should be as important as Christmas (especially if you've forgotten who Robert Burns was …)

March 3rd -- World Wildlife Day -- Should be Every Day

April 23rd -- English Language Day -- Should be a RED LETTER DAY (in support of the other 25 letters too …)

April 24th -- Independent Bookstore Day -- Could help with previous -- Apr. 23 & Jan. 27)

May 3rd -- World Press Freedom Day -- Self-explanatory, let's hope

May 20th -- Word Bee Day -- If we want to keep eating

May 23rd -- World Turtle Day -- Why not?

June 5th -- World Fishing Day

June 8th -- World Oceans Day -- This and the previous go together, the second depending on reducing the first

June 13th -- World Albinism Day -- Don't let this one fade out of sight

Sept. 8th -- International Literacy -- Would be a good idea

Sept. 9th -- International Day to Protect Education From Attack -- Ditto 

Sept. 17th -- World Patient Safety Day -- Got to wonder what happens on the other 364

October 1st -- International Day of Older Persons (how much older?)

November 18th -- World Philosophy Day -- Could hold a conference on the Philosophical Implications of the Wisdom of Holding a Lot of Commemorative  and Instructive Days -- ?

 

October 31st -- World Cities Day -- Not surprisingly this falls on Halloween, day of monsters and spooky places

And as for vital weeks, make a note of February 21-27th -- Freedom to Read Week

Winter Solstice, and the snowflakes are out in force

Dear Father Christmas,

All I want for Christmas is attention. (And a pronoun of my own.)

I want recognition of my identity. And validation of my neuro-difference. After all, I am a survivor. And autistic and marginalized and BIPOC. Please keep that in mind when you put the goods into the stockings. I'll send you a list, okay?

You'll remember I'm two-spirited, right?

Speaking of spirit, a stocking-full of spirits would be great. Or wine. (Organic grapes.) Chocolates too if possible. (Fair-traded.) I look forward to having my needs met by your largesse, Father Christmas. After all, snowflakes are your world, right?

You can just leave the stuff by the hearth when you do your Chimney-Dash. (But nothing triggering, okay?)

Thank you, and Happy Intersectional Multiculturally-Diverse Holidays.

(PS: I don't care for that sexist title you use, by the way. Why not Mother Christmas, or something Trans? I can't call you Santa Claus because “santa” means saint which sounds Euro-centric and colonialist. You need to work on your intersectionality, FC. In time for next year, okay?)

(PPS: Is there any way you could let me know when you're coming so I could get a photo of you giving me the stuff? Except without you in the picture, of course. I like selfies best.)

Santa Clause's Retirement Letter

(From  Short Humour Magazine:    http://www.shorthumour.org.uk/10writersshowcase/santa.htm )

Dear World,

Boy, have things ever changed in the toy-delivery field since I started my career. Remember when people wrote letters to Santa? You didn't expect to get one from me, but here goes ... I need to give you notice of my imminent retirement. I used to deliver a sleigh-full of dolls, teddy bears, train sets, roller skates and pencil sets on every magical Christmas Eve. (Pencils! Can you imagine?) But no more. Gifts have gone electronic. It's all game-boxes now, and fit-bits, gift cards and peculiar little digital devices that fall to the floor and get lost at the bottom of the sleigh.

I used to be able to park right beside the chimney I would be slipping down. Now there are few chimneys left, only “smart heating” and roofs cluttered with solar panels. Last year, one sported a poster saying “REINDEER SLEIGHS EXPLOIT UNGULATES”.

Some houses even have notes on theirs roofs warning “mask is mandatory”. A mask, over a beard like mine?! No one needs a mask if they're already muffled by a deep thicket of white facial hair.

I used to find thoughtful treats like cookies and warm milk waiting for me beside people's hearths, but now everything they leave is stuff I'm scared to eat, like Guatemalan Keto Shark-free Spice Balls, and Dirty-Snowman Vegan Nut-free Kumquat Squares. And whatever happened to a nice cup of tea? Now I find a note advising me there's a Pomegranate Gingerbread Iced Latte in the fridge, or a Jagermeister-Curcumin Espresso Shot in the microwave.

And no one's decently in bed taking their long winter nap while I lurk in their living rooms; they're all hunkered down with smartphones and laptops. I see the light from their digital devices glowing at windows and under doors. Even the kids aren't asleep, dreaming about what might be in their stockings while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads. They're texting their friends from under the covers.

No: Christmas Eve isn't what it was when I started out, apprenticed to Great-grandfather Claus. Nor is the elf staff! Not one knows how to wield a hammer and nail. The North Pole is all immigrants and refugees now and many don't speak English. Some elves are illiterate and can't even write the lists I need, so I can't check them twice. Luckily every kid wants the same thing anyway: digital stuff. High-tech robotic amazon wares. I might as well retire, I'm beginning to feel, and be replaced by a drone. I'm just not as jolly as I used to be. I guess drones do go further and move faster than anything a bunch of reindeer would pull. They're much more efficient ... So, Tallyho-ho-ho, drones!

Still, I can't help thinking something magical is being lost.

Yours truly,

Old Man in a Red Suit

Santa's Workshop is Hiring Seasonal Helpers

HELP WANTED

Santa's Workshop Is Hiring!

Seeking experienced reliable elves for the busy season

Must be available for weekends and overtime

Skilled craftsmen only need apply (this position is not about

building bits of carpentry and painting wood)

Certificates in Electronic Toy-Making, 3-D Printing,

Advanced Digital Design and Robotics are mandatory

(Applications from Robots also considered: we guarantee

equal-opportunity for the artificially intelligent)

HazMat, SafeShop and Group-Thought certification is mandatory

Steel-belled work-boots and tassel-topped helmets are required in the shop

Our workplace encourages neuro-diverse two-spirit applicants

We guarantee non-misgendering allyship with the elven BIPOC community

Dr. Seuss Invents Christmas-Cancel Genre

Christmas Cancelled, 2020

    Dr. Seuss said it would happen, and he was right. It did, although everyone else had thought stealing Christmas was just a horror plot from a kids' book. 

    Dr. Seuss invented Christmas-Cancel lit, featuring as his main protagonist Cancel-Cultural hero The Grinch. Dr. Bonnie-Lou Who saved the day however, by leading the people of What-the-Heck-Happened-Ville in quiet renditions of “Be Safe, Be Calm, Be Kind”. 

    Everyone is encouraged to mask up and stand around a huge tall tree to sing it on Christmas Day. Just don't hold hands.

Is Kid-Lit Too White?

 How long before “systemic racism” comes for children's literature, with its shamelessly sparkly-white characters such as Snow White, Caspar the Ghost, and Frosty the Snowman? Christmas is of course already beyond the pale (if one may use such triggering language) and children's literature has always been a target of censorship, but formerly for reasons of eroticism or fairy-tale gruesomeness. The attack on all things white-suggestive is new.

Comfort-characters such as the shy, polite and kindly Rupert Bear, and T. H. White's “Wart” (boyhood name of King Arthur), are no longer vouchsafed to children, and innocence (“in-nocere”, not-knowing) is equated with silence, which is now considered "violence".

Rupert the cheerful bear-child was once in fact a brown bear, but was made white by editors who wanted him to show up well in illustrations when the Rupert Annual was printed in colour. He set forth each day in his yellow sweater and plaid pants for Nutwood Forest, where he had adventures and Did Good Things. It's surprising there hasn't yet been a march demanding the publisher “Make Rupert Brown Again”. (1)

In T. H. White's youth novel The Once and Future King, Arthur upon becoming king took up nobility as a “glorious doom”. Originally, to be noble meant having a known name, plus character traits like magnanimity and moral excellence. We however are only interested in “inclusion, diversity and equity”, which aren't necessarily magnanimous, moral and excellent. To admit the existence of excellence would be to acknowledge that not everything is equal. Nobility has toxic connotations, today.

No wonder everyone's at loggerheads, adding to what Matthew Arnold in Dover Beach called the confused alarms of “ignorant armies that clash by night”. (2) Some might say that the violence lies in that – manifested as street rallies and online attacks – not in the wise restraint of silence. Only the kindly decency of a simple hero like Rupert could sort it all out -- but we've moved a long way from Nutwood.

1 For the story of Rupert's transformation from brown bear to white, see:

http://www.canterbury-archaeology.org.uk/tourtel/4590809564

2 For Matthew Arnold's poem see https://poets.org/poem/dover-beach