S. B. Julian
Cast: Board members
of a community theatre:
President, Artistic Director, Publicist, Producer, plus an Assistant who comes and goes.
President: As President of the Readers Theatre Board I'd like to welcome everyone to this meeting to select our Play Series. We'll choose three that will appeal to tourists and locals alike. Let's start with our new Artistic Director. (turns to her) What do you suggest?
Artistic Director: (excitedly) I've prepared a list of 20 plays, but my absolute favourite would be Grease. With music, of course.
Pres. Comments? (Looks at the others. They pause to think.)
Publicist: (has a camera around her neck.) I can tell you right now as your publicist, that Grease won't do. It would harm our donations, because it's been banned in the past for "drinking, smoking and a couple kissing onstage”. We'd have the CRD Health Officer shutting us down for breaking the smoking bylaw – even if not actually smoking.
Producer: How about something more artsy then, something like Picasso at the Lapin Agile?
Publicist: (gasps) Even more kissing! And drinking. It has (quotes, reading stagily from a note) “people drinking in bars, and treating women as sex objects”.
A.D.: (dryly) Then how about The Vagina Monologues, where women objectify their own body parts?
Pres.: No. That's a non-starter, it's now accused of “offending transgender audience members”.
A.D.: Lysistrata, then? That's feminist enough for every new-fangled trans version of female you could dream up, isn't it?
Prod: No, that won't fly either, it's been considered "bawdy and indecent”. How about something more comic, like Calendar Girls?
Pub: That's been cancelled elsewhere because of its “implication of nudity.”
A.D. “Implication of”? Is that the same as actual nudity? Would our readers be nude?
Pub: It could be the same. (S/he raises the camera which hangs around her neck) The posters used in Avenue Q were taken down due to “visible puppet cleavage”. You never know when nudity's going to scare the horses.
A.D.: But nude puppets ...? Honestly, I give up!
Prod: You can't. You're the Artistic Director.
Pres: Let's select an old-fashioned musical then. How offensive can that be? How about The King and I?
Prod: Huh! You're way out of date. It includes a “racist portrayal of Thai people”.
Pres: Oh. Thoroughly Modern Millie?
Prod: Nope. Thoroughly un-modern – it’s a “racist portrayal of Chinese people”.
Pres: Peter Pan?
Prod: Offensive to native Americans.
Pres: West Side Story?
Prod: Stereotyping of Puerto Ricans.
Pres: Ragtime?
Prod: Uses the N-word. (The group falls silent)
Pres: Well what CAN we put on then?
A.D. How about a classic like Angels In America?
Pub: (shuddering) God no, we'd totally lose our funding, it's been condemned for “homosexual vulgarity”.
A.D.: Well can't gay people fund a revival then?
Pub.: (shrugs) They could, but would they want to? It's old-hat now.
A.D. How about something “god-yes” then? Maybe Jesus Christ Superstar? Life of Brian? Mohammed Gets A Boner?
Pres: Don't even SAY that!
A.D.: What? Jesus Christ?
Prod: Let's be serious. Let's look at the old stand-bys. How about Blithe Spirit?
Pub: Sorry to tell you, but it's been banned for “encouraging exploration of witchcraft and the occult”.
Pres.: I guess there's always Shakespeare.
Publ: As long as it's not Othello, given recent social-media BLM sensitivities ...
Prod.: Yeah. So forget Aladdin too ...
Publ: And certainly not The Merchant of Venice.
Pres.: Twelfth Night?
Pub.: Nope. Someone accused it of “alternative lifestyle instruction". Because of the cross-dressing, you know.
A.D.: I thought theatre was alternative lifestyle instruction ...
(A knock on the door. Assistant enters -- man in a wide flowery hat,)
Ass't.:
Can I bring anyone a coffee? I'll "set the stoups upon the
table" shall I? Don't worry, the cups won't be poisoned. I may be
two-spirited, but not two-faced.
Pres.:
Uh, fine . . . thanks. A coffee would be nice. I'll have a latte please.
Prod: Make mine black.
Assistant: Okay -- one milk and one African-American. Coming up. (He leaves)
Prod.: Now, where were we? (pause) Maybe it's best to stick to political plays then.
Pres: As long as they're not anti-Israel.
Publ.: Or pro-Israel.
Prod. Anti-U.S. is always fair game.
Pres.: Or anti-Nazi. How about Cabaret? There's a well-loved old stand-by.
Pub.: Except it's been censored in the past for “onstage indecency, immodesty, immorality, and homosexual behaviour”.
Pres.: But that's why it's well-loved!
Pub.: Not now, in these ideological times. Life's no longer a cabaret, Old Chum
A.D.: (shakes her head sadly) Although we're still well-advised to “put down the book”, since words are as dangerous as dynamite. (The others look puzzled. She starts singing) “... put down the knitting, the book and the broom, come to the cabaret ...” (pauses) Oh never mind ...
Knock on the door. Assistant re-enters.
Assistant: I've got the newspaper on the phone, they still haven't got your play titles for the Summer Season. They want to know what they'll be. Oh -- and they also add that you lot couldn't even run a dog-and-pony-show.
Pub: Tell them the titles are classified. Top secret censored ... hahaha ... (Assistant exits)
Pres.: So what are we going to do? What CAN we put on?
Prod: (gloomily) How about a dog-and-pony-show?
A.D.: (also gloomily) How about commissioning something brand new? It could take place in a Trappist Monastery with a rule of silence. No one will say a word. No dialogue, no sex, no skin, no smoking, politics, stereotyping or witchcraft.
Pres.: Good idea! The cast will consist of three monkeys. For two hours the audience will watch this:
(President puts his hands over his eyes, Producer puts hands over his ears, then Artistic Director puts hands over her mouth. PAUSE. The publicist jumps up and aims her camera at them.)
Publicist: Perfect! Hold that pose right there! (She takes a photo)
