The National Toy Council, in the interests of intersectionalist diversity, is excited to present new versions of the bad old favourites among kids' toys. Your kids are struggling with COVID lock-down? Never mind access to nature, the arts, heritage or broad ideas, these new introductions by our foremost brands will steer them right:
DISABLED DAISIE -- to replace the plastic-looking, unrealistically fit and insultingly able Barbie. Disabled Daisie comes complete with a wheelchair and adorable miniature hearing aids. A whole rainbow of skin shades will be available (we Ban the Blonde).
TRANS-TRACI. Another choice for today's inclusive girl and boy and everything in between.
We also introduce the HOMELESS DOLLS' DOLL HOUSE -- complete with tiny security cameras over the front door, mini-Naloxone kits, and floor mats in every room, wall to wall -- for dolls experiencing homelessness, this is shelter from 10 pm to 7 am.
In the TEDDY BEAR department, all from now on will be members of the species Ursus americanus (Black Bear). Rupert the white bear will revert to the brown colour he originally had in 1936, before an editor at the Rupert Annual turned him white to match illustrations in 1973, in what is now suspected to have been a white supremacist plot.
THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULDN'T -- a toy based on the beloved book, re-visioned for the child with PTSD, autism, anxiety, ADHD, non-binary neuro-atypical variation and other conditions which prevent him/her from accomplishing things.
THE LITTLE QUEERMAN -- companion to The Little Mermaid -- the two sold at fabulous discounts as a double set.
OLD MACDONALD'S FARM SET -- complete with palatial housing for migrant workers, signage acknowledging aboriginal lands, and a built-in sound track of indigenous songs sung to animals to thank them for being brutally slaughtered. Includes new breeds such as reindeer, alligators, ocelots, flamingos, camels, deep sea sponges and other alternative sources of protein.
SCRABBLE, UPDATED -- the un-racialized version has completely updated Rules, which ban hundreds of words deemed offensive to minorities, the marginalized and BIPOC.
MONOPOLY, UPDATED -- historical first-world white-privilege place-names have been changed to contemporary indigenous unpronounceable ones from pre-literate eras. Markers such as the bowler hat and iron have been replaced by African art, and dice have built-in speakers for youth who experience challenges with counting to six.
CLUE, UPDATED -- Now in an exciting new HAVEN'T A CLUE form, the well-loved characters have been given charming new intersectional non-binary names and titles, such as Coach Plum, Inclusion Consultant Mustard, We/Them Peacock, Scarlet and Green, and Anonymous Boddy. Rooms where the murder might have taken place are now the Media Room, Home Office, Yoga Studio and Sauna, and weapons include objects that increase agency for the powerless, such as incense stick, bear spray, poisoned pen, COVID mask soaked in hydrochloric acid, and Ideological Looks That Could Kill.
The Ladybird Books series of picture books has been replaced with Bi-Bird Books, a manga series of thrilling identitarian tales about the oppressed, for today's right-minded kids.
The same young reformed-reader will enjoy our new "Burn Babar" virtual bonfire set, and the youth-sized shredder available to dispose of all those racist White-centered Dr. Seuss books you want to get rid of.
The Toy Council knows that children learn through play to navigate the world, and with the gift of imagination-shaping toys we steer them toward research-based Correct Thinking.
Grandma's Doll House is no longer in stock
