Dear
World,
Oh boy,
have things ever changed in the toy-delivery field. Remember when
people wrote letters to Santa?
You didn't expect to get one from me, but here goes ...
I need to send you notice of my imminent retirement. I used to
deliver a sleigh-full of dolls, teddy bears, train sets, roller
skates and pencil sets every magical Christmas Eve. (Pencils! Can you
imagine?) But no more: gifts have gone electronic. Now it's all
game-boxes, fit-bits, gift cards and peculiar little digital devices
that fall out of my bag and get lost on the floor of the sleigh.
I used to be able to park right beside the chimney I would be slipping down; now there are few chimneys. There's “smart heating” and roofs cluttered with solar panels. Last year, one had a poster on it saying “REINDEER SLEIGHS ABUSE UNGULATES”.
The few
chimneys left have notes saying “VACCINE PASSPORT AND MASK
REQUIRED”. A mask, on top of a beard like mine?! No one needs a
mask who's already muffled by a deep white thicket of facial hair.
I used to
find treats like cookies and warm milk waiting for me beside people's
hearths, but now they leave bizarre food I can't identify, like
Guatemalan keto spice balls, and dirty-snow vegan gluten-free taro
squares. Whatever happened to a nice cup of tea? Now I find notes
advising me there's a Pomegranate Gingerbread Iced Latte in the
'fridge.
And no
one's decently in bed taking their long winter nap while I lurk in
their living rooms. They're all hunkered down in other rooms staring
at smartphones. I see blue light from digital devices glowing under
the doors. Even the kids aren't asleep, dreaming about full stockings
while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads. They're texting their friends from under the covers.
I
remember when people used to hang real stockings at the fireplace, I
mean stockings they would actually wear the next day to keep their
feet warm. Now everyone hangs huge store-bought florescent plastic
bag-like things sporting lewd or satirical jokes (satire! at
Christmas?) which doesn't seem very traditional to me.
No: Christmas Eve isn't what it was when I started as apprentice to Great-Grandfather Claus. Nor is the elf staff the same! Not one knows how to wield a hammer and nail, and some can't even read. Being illiterate they can't copy out the lists I need, so I can't check them twice. Luckily every kid wants the same thing anyway: high-tech digital robotic Amazon-stuff. I might as well retire, and be replaced by a drone. I'm just not as jolly as I used to be. I guess drones do go further and faster than anything a bunch of reindeer would pull. They're much more efficient. So Tally-ho-ho-ho, Drones!
But I can't help thinking something magical is being lost.
Yours truly,
Old Man in the Red Suit
