When Toys Rn't Us

The National Toy Council, in the interests of intersectionalist diversity, is excited to present new versions of the bad old favourites among kids' toys. Your kids are struggling with COVID lock-down? Never mind access to nature, the arts, heritage or broad ideas, these new introductions by our foremost brands will steer them right:

DISABLED DAISIE -- to replace the plastic-looking, unrealistically fit and insultingly able Barbie. Disabled Daisie comes complete with a wheelchair and adorable miniature hearing aids. A whole rainbow of skin shades will be available (we Ban the Blonde).

TRANS-TRACI. Another choice for today's inclusive girl and boy and everything in between.

We also introduce the HOMELESS DOLLS' DOLL HOUSE -- complete with tiny security cameras over the front door, mini-Naloxone kits, and floor mats in every room, wall to wall -- for dolls experiencing homelessness, this is shelter from 10 pm to 7 am.

In the TEDDY BEAR department, all from now on will be members of the species Ursus americanus (Black Bear). Rupert the white bear will revert to the brown colour he originally had in 1936, before an editor at the Rupert Annual turned him white to match illustrations in 1973, in what is now suspected to have been a white supremacist plot.

THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULDN'T -- a toy based on the beloved book, re-visioned for the child with PTSD, autism, anxiety, ADHD, non-binary neuro-atypical variation and other conditions which prevent him/her from accomplishing things.

THE LITTLE QUEERMAN -- companion to The Little Mermaid -- the two sold at fabulous discounts as a double set.

OLD MACDONALD'S FARM SET -- complete with palatial housing for migrant workers, signage acknowledging aboriginal lands, and a built-in sound track of indigenous songs sung to animals to thank them for being brutally slaughtered. Includes new breeds such as reindeer, alligators, ocelots, flamingos, camels, deep sea sponges and other alternative sources of protein.

SCRABBLE, UPDATED -- the un-racialized version has completely updated Rules, which ban hundreds of words deemed offensive to minorities, the marginalized and BIPOC.

MONOPOLY, UPDATED -- historical first-world white-privilege place-names have been changed to contemporary indigenous unpronounceable ones from pre-literate eras. Markers such as the bowler hat and iron have been replaced by African art, and dice have built-in speakers for youth who experience challenges with counting to six.

CLUE, UPDATED -- Now in an exciting new HAVEN'T A CLUE form, the well-loved characters have been given charming new intersectional non-binary names and titles, such as Coach Plum, Inclusion Consultant Mustard, We/Them Peacock, Scarlet and Green, and Anonymous Boddy. Rooms where the murder might have taken place are now the Media Room, Home Office, Yoga Studio and Sauna, and weapons include objects that increase agency for the powerless, such as incense stick, bear spray, poisoned pen, COVID mask soaked in hydrochloric acid, and Ideological Looks That Could Kill. 

The Ladybird Books series of picture books has been replaced with Bi-Bird Books, a manga series of thrilling identitarian tales about the oppressed, for today's right-minded kids.

The same young reformed-reader will enjoy our new "Burn Babar" virtual bonfire set, and the youth-sized shredder available to dispose of all those racist White-centered Dr. Seuss books you want to get rid of.

The Toy Council knows that children learn through play to navigate the world, and with the gift of imagination-shaping toys we steer them toward research-based Correct Thinking.

Grandma's Doll House is no longer in stock

Freedom to Read Week is when we choose what to read, but who chooses what gets published?

How ironic is it, that in the push for "diversity and inclusivity" in publishing, targeted inclusion of particular author-groups creates less diversity? Have we merely changed the books we choose to ban?

Freedom To Read Week is more important as ever. It's wonderful to meet new characters on the pages of books and listen in on what they say to each other.

Who are they though? Which characters currently populate the new releases? Editorial policies are favouring some themes over others and some author identities over others, and while we are free to read whatever we want, book and periodical editors increasingly limit what's on offer.

A typical note on a publisher's submissions page will say: “We seek writing which challenges bigotry ... we showcase literature from de-centered voices.” One even asserts that “we reserve the right to de-platform writers if they have broken our non-discrimination values”.

De-platforming a writer means de-platforming the right of readers to choose to read that writer. In the scramble to exclude authors deemed overly privileged and insufficiently “racialized”, diversity in literature is being reduced. 

Readers' “freedom to read” only makes sense in tandem with authors' freedom to choose their subject matter, and with the likelihood of their finding editors who accept their perspectives. Otherwise literature is being distorted by publishers' fear of seeming to neglect “identity” causes. The situation is not surprising, of course, as no business can afford to be accused of mis-gendering or racism, but even a slight whiff of correctness lets an evil genie out of the bottle. Who has the right to correct the thought of others? It is not the role of cultural industries to be multi-departmental re-education camps.

No author wants to be condemned for standing on the wrong side of black, indigenous and BIPOC issues, and that opens the door to self-censorship. The pressure to self-censor in the interest of popularity, meaning in the interest of being accepted for publication, is a more subtle brake on intellectual freedom than were the overt forms of censorship which librarians and publishers fought against in the past.

Fashions in opinion change under the pressure of issues in every era. We in Canada claim our Constitutional right to read freely, but it's also worth considering who determines the availability of the material we wish freely to choose. 

Saving the Middle Class

So the middle class wants to be saved. Okay, maybe we'll save you, but don't think you can carry on as before. No more of this “middle” stuff. If you want to survive, get out there on the extremes.

You say you're being squeezed by over-taxation, de-platforming and ideological hostility toward moderation, but there's such a thing as too much moderation. You must declare your allegiance: do you support the obscenely wealthy one percent, or the downtrodden impoverished ninety-nine percent? Are you the privileged, or do you have allyship with the de-centred marginalized? With People of Colour, or People of Whiteness? Whiteness is not skin shade, it's attitude. Moderate attitudes are mere fronts for micro-aggression. You professional classes of middle income, with your house-and-garden values, 

private transport, old-fashioned art galleries, interest in wildlife conservation and obsession with grammar are just stealing stuff from Other Races. (What do you mean, “allyship” is not a word? See: that just proves it.)

So, expect macro-aggression in response. The time for the middle class is over. There's no middle way, no “golden mean”. “POC” does not include the colour gold.

We might save you, Middle Class, but not to be as you were: the worst example of colonialist obsessions with taste. You will be saved through re-education camps. Where will these camps be located? Everywhere: in government, civic bureaucracies, schools and universities, unions, professional associations, arts organizations ...

What did you say? These are middle class products of colonial times? Fine, but don't think that you can just turn inward and save them, clinging to old errors based on individual ideas freely expressed in a free press. That's just hiding behind privileged supremacist history. That's just an able-ist way to trigger others. Forget history; it shouldn't happen. Too much historical understanding just gets in the way. Focus on Identity, not history -- but not your identity. Ours. You know the one: the one not in the middle.

Confronting Neptune

Human earthlings have taken to northern seas, plunging into freezing waters from freezing beaches in an effort to “boost their mood”. Seriously. 

That's what they say they're doing, in aid of connecting with nature and “shifting away” from anxiety about COVID. It would certainly be a distraction. But why not shift away by reading a good book with a cup of tea in a warm room?

It seems they want the social life which COVID distancing and lock-downs have taken away from us -- so they swim in groups. Social life shared with other crazy people? The shock of diving into a northern ocean in the middle of winter sounds a bit like banging your head on a wall because it feels good when you stop.

Here's a suggestion, made from the bench where I sit watching in my winter coat: don't start. Last fall, on a sunny day while beach walking I decided to take my shoes off and wade. Going ankle deep was enough. Toes went numb. Little fish darted around my feet, as if outraged at my clumsy fin-less presence. I fancied they had been sent by their ruler Neptune (Poseidon to the Greeks), who wondered what on earth these earthlings were doing in the kingdom of the sea.

Good question, Neptune. Apparently, frustrated by the monotony of COVID restrictions, the winter ocean swimmers cheer themselves up by taking “just chill” to a whole new level. Or depth.

Above the bench where I sat, crows were looking down from tree tops in puzzlement. (You'd never catch a sensible crow acting like a demented pelagic cormorant.) Out on the horizon, I caught a glimpse of a blurry figure riding the waves on a sea-shell chariot, waving a three-pronged trident. The swimmers, I imagine, were too teeth-chatteringly cold to notice a turbulent ocean-god bearing down on them.

What's your wine order for Robbie Burns Day -- carrot or gorse?

We don't usually associate Scotland with wine, grapes needing sun and Scotland being a source of rain, cloud and fog. Not all wine comes from grapes though. The Scots have figured out how to make it from wild berries and brambles, and even vegetables, wheat and barley. One  resourceful winery in the Orkney Islands makes carrot wine, mixing in other vegetables and citrus fruits. Thank heaven for greenhouses and grow lamps …

Or thank the innovative, entrepreneurial Scots character. After all, for the people who pretty much invented science, medicine, law, democratic government, political science and philosophy, not to mention national varieties of verse, myth, literature and drama, figuring out how to make wine from berries, grain and veg would be a breeze.

Robert Burns Day is upon us (January 25th) -- a good time to try a Scottish wine, sipping maybe in front of a peat fire as you listen to bagpipes or do a read-aloud of Sir Walter Scott, or whoever … (Alexander McCall Smith is more contemporary, not to mention satisfyingly, gently satirical about all things contemporary.)

Speaking of bagpipes, here's an intriguing fact for your Burns Day Quiz: whose nimble fingers pick the flowers used in Gorse Wine (yes -- gorse -- how Scottish is that??) They're picked by the fingers of bagpipe players -- the Kirkwall City Pipe Band has a dual role in maintaining civilization.

Lots to celebrate on RBD, Scots-descended folk 😋🍷

Posted by SBJ

Muses File Civil Rights Complaint Against Museum

The nine classical Muses have accused the Royal British Columbia Museum of racist discrimination against their heritage and culture. “As our home (“seat of the Muses”), the Museum should be sheltering, not throwing us to the ideological wolves”, says Calliope, Chief of the Muses.

In a document crafted by Melpomene (Muse of Tragedy), Thalia (Muse of Comedy) and Polyhymnia (Muse of Rhetoric), the Muses charge that they have been victims of hate speech and ethnic cleansing.

“Clio, Muse of History, is a particular target of hate speech, not only by those who wish to eradicate her along with her mother Mnemosyne (Memory) and who have already claimed that “History Is Dead”, but also by those who charge that “History is a whore”.

“Clio is anybody's,” say these detractors, “she will change her game to suit the requirements of whatever client is most ideologically pushy.”

Clio's enemies have tried to “disappear” her, but she keeps turning up again. “History is what it was,” she assures her supporters. She leaves a trail of documents, letters, songs, memoirs, statues, gravestones, globes and charts so that scholarly detectives have so far been able to trace her, often as secret agents working under cover.

The Muses, filing their complaint with the adjudicating body, have documented rights abuses “by chapter and verse”, says Euterpe, Muse of Verse.

“We will not let the adjudicators dance around the issues,” vows Terpsichore, Muse of Dance.

"We must mutually sing our own praises," point out Erato and Melpomene, Muses of Song, Poetry and Speech.

The Muses' offspring -- lyre-playing Orpheus and the Sirens -- will mark the launch of their Nonhuman Rights Complaint with a celebratory performance at Olympus Park. The human race is invited to attend.

"Have a Good Day"

"Have a good day" we say to one another -- so here's a list of good days to have:

January 18th -- Winnie the Pooh Day -- a day to celebrate one of the most important characters in literature. Don't let anyone take this day away from you, don't lose it like wise sardonic Eeyore who lost something important ("Someone must have taken it -- how like them.")

January 25th -- Robert Burns Day -- Get the bagpipes out

January 27th -- Family Literacy Day -- Should be as important as Christmas (especially if you've forgotten who Robert Burns was …)

March 3rd -- World Wildlife Day -- Should be Every Day

April 23rd -- English Language Day -- Should be a RED LETTER DAY (in support of the other 25 letters too …)

April 24th -- Independent Bookstore Day -- Could help with previous -- Apr. 23 & Jan. 27)

May 3rd -- World Press Freedom Day -- Self-explanatory, let's hope

May 20th -- Word Bee Day -- If we want to keep eating

May 23rd -- World Turtle Day -- Why not?

June 5th -- World Fishing Day

June 8th -- World Oceans Day -- This and the previous go together, the second depending on reducing the first

June 13th -- World Albinism Day -- Don't let this one fade out of sight

Sept. 8th -- International Literacy -- Would be a good idea

Sept. 9th -- International Day to Protect Education From Attack -- Ditto 

Sept. 17th -- World Patient Safety Day -- Got to wonder what happens on the other 364

October 1st -- International Day of Older Persons (how much older?)

November 18th -- World Philosophy Day -- Could hold a conference on the Philosophical Implications of the Wisdom of Holding a Lot of Commemorative  and Instructive Days -- ?

 

October 31st -- World Cities Day -- Not surprisingly this falls on Halloween, day of monsters and spooky places

And as for vital weeks, make a note of February 21-27th -- Freedom to Read Week