'Tis the season when magazines publish articles on how to "survive". At Christmas you won't, say the articles, come upon any midnights clear, you'll stumble into pitfalls social, emotional, financial, and political. Unfortunately the magazines seem to be right. To save your sanity, they recommend, make lists of guests and gifts. Make a to-buy list, to-bake list, political-topics-to-avoid list.
At gatherings so many matters are triggering that you need a "Taboo Topics List". And you'd best check it twice. The taboo topics used to be sex, politics and religion; now they're identity, cultural appropriation and anything described as "systemic". As for variant behaviours, they're best ignored, like those of the cousin with so many allergies she's allergic to her own allergies and will claim to be allergic to your live fir tree.
Then there are acquaintances who refuse to call Christmas "Christmas", and only recognize a seasonal indigenous-inclusive non-binary non-colonial anti-privilege diversity-fest (not on any account a Mass for the birth of Christ).
Then there's the guest who brings variant meat -- peppered grasshopper and fried slugs -- for the potluck. And the one who brings tattooed friends of variant gender who you can't greet because you fear to get their pronouns wrong. Some genders seem to change during the party itself.
There are students who show up after their last university class in variant subjects you've never heard of, like Queering the Undead, and Acquiring Expert Venture Cognitions, and Critical Skills for Online Identity Management.
Why?? you ask.
"They're pre-requisites for The Zombie in Woke Culture."
"I thought the whole point of Zombies was to be un-woke?"
"You mean un-AWAKE"
Quite.
"These courses go toward a PhD in Fashion and Body Modification."
"Oh. Of course university teaching's so different now."
"We don't have 'teaching', we have Culturally Sustaining Pedagogy."
"Huh. And do you have jobs in the end?"
"I have one already, as Exit Manager for Spaces Shoplifters and Non-vaccinated People Sneak Into."
Ah. A bouncer. I almost wished I had one at my Christmas potluck. I guess one could bounce everyone out by saying someone had just "tested positive" for a variant of concern (concerning what, one needn't specify). That would clear the room. Except of course for the COVID-deniers.
Does the University teach a course in How To Be a Successful Hermit?
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